Never Really Alone

I think that the biggest myth of human existence is that we experience this entire life alone. But, we are actually infinite beings.

I had this thought as I was slapping mosquitos and on the verge of tears because there’s no tampons for sale in Thailand and I had to buy cotton balls, and I just went up this treacherous stair accent up a mountain, and that was definitely not working out. To make it worse, once I got to the viewpoint it was Disneyland, where you had to pay money to enter and there were lines and crowds and big signs that said “I love Phi Phi!” and more lines to take pictures in front of those signs, and who comes to Thailand alone anyways? Plus, you have to pay money to use the restroom and they have no toilet paper in the restroom and now I went to the restroom and have no more cotton balls and I just walked up all those fucking stairs to see this viewpoint and – calm down Raleigh. But why don’t any of the restrooms have toilet paper?! I can’t even walk! Mosquitos are attacking me and blood- oh god- that asshole who’s charging me to use the restroom will never understand what it’s like to be a girl and I’m crying. Side note: eventually I was able to buy tampons (at a pharmacy).

A few hours ago I was meditating. I was sitting in my bed in the hostel escaping the heat and the people. I felt overwhelming joy and this little voice that said, “I’m here. I love you. You’re never alone, and I’m here whenever you need anything” warmth flowed through me and my heart especially burned.

Slapping the mosquitos and saying under my breath, “Who comes to Thailand alone?!” I was reminded of the warm thought that I am actually not alone. Bringing back that calm warmth and love, I reminded myself. If I choose to be, I am guided and protected by the universe. We are much less alone and disconnected souls that we understand ourselves to be , I reminded myself. I don’t have to worry about being alone, because I am not.

I remember being high school and thinking, “I want to prioritize my relationship with myself because that’s the only person who is indefinitely with me.” This sounds kind of silly, but we are truly the only people that can get inside our own heads. To spend time understanding yourself, asking yourself questions, listening, and loving yourself is a practice that has led me to much happier times. In a way, we are always alone with ourselves. Alone in a group even, because we are alone with our own thoughts and our decisions on how to share them or how to behave.

Every person you know, you used to not know. Everyone was a stranger to you at some point in your life, including your own family. Well, when you’re born everyone and everything is strange.

I’ve always liked people, especially the strange ones. I like navigating the open space of conversation with strangers. I like the novel complexities that are so unique to each of our personalities. Even though I struggle with social anxiety at times, I absolutely adore the beauty of the people I know and the people I have yet to know. Every year, my life has been bettered by knowing and trying to understand others. That’s why the prospect of being just me, open to conversation, and open with time, in a world with people I have yet to know, completely excites me.

I am not alone, but I am just one person.

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