I moved back to Arcata in September. It’s been a joy to be surrounded by people who know me well. The Matts and the Alis. The Alexias and the Jakes. The people that make my heart swoon. I forgot what it was like to be around them. I hope I can hold them with me even if I am far away.
I’ve chased nothingness and I’ve chased gold. I hope there are lessons that I don’t even know that I’ve learned. I hope in the in between moments that I’ve soaked something greater in. I hope that I can be better and healthier than I was before.
I’m not always the best at taking care of myself. I recently started paying attention to my hair and skin. Being more caring in my self reminders to drink water. Wearing sunscreen. I remember darkness being so consuming at times when I was traveling alone before, but I’ve always had depression at my side no matter how comfortable or uncomfortable I am.
I hope that I don’t run out of money. I hope that I am present. I cherish the feet I am standing on. I love the memories my heart holds. I am not running away. I am giving in to curiosity. I am disappearing in order to be free. I am disappearing in order to learn- to reclaim my life. I am free to disappear.