My car held all that I owned, but leaving felt so strange! It seemed like there was 100 things I was forgetting, even though I had double and triple checked. But it dawned on me. How could I continue on without the friends I love? My fear of all fears is and continues to be, solitude. As much as I seek it out, and as much as I’ve experienced it, I am weary how to survive without the broad stroke of community. I healed in the warmth of soups served over fire side cuddles. I’ll miss those who know well. How wonderful to have ones who can predict and understand me. What will I do without them? Who will I speak to? How will I be happy without those that I love?
Important questions, but not ones that need to be answered. They feel good to ask none the less. I’ve spent weeks dragging my heels, heart heavy and overwhelmed with the reality of leaving. I see that feeling in me and I’m okay with it. It hurts. There are people who I will so dearly miss. But that’s okay. Once my car peeled around the corner my momentum allowed me to relax.
We exist in each other. I think that’s one of the reasons it’s so hard to be alone. The people I think about have made a lasting impact with me, and in a way exist in my world. It feels good to exist in someone else’s world! A community is a just group of people with lasting impressions of each other. I love knowing that I’m looked after and thought of. I’m so grateful. But I’m leaving that behind. I’m disappearing from my community. I won’t be a constant anymore. I won’t be able to run things I’m thinking by the people who are the current rocks in my life.
I’ll miss seeing friends each day. I’ll miss the shared meals. But a community is so much stronger if people are comfortable leaving. I feel long term connection and know I will return to open arms. I will bring back stories to share.